[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
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Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.