Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.