I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
You Might Also Like
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing