We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
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I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
i think we should see other cousins
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
*jazz hands*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.