Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
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passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Don’t tell me what to do
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
oppen heimer style lol