According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
You Might Also Like
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming