A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
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WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Britain be like
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Sorry not sorry.
Two types of dogs.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
How high do the levels go?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.