Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You Might Also Like
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Midwest trash talk
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.