Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
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starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.