Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
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For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
#Caturday
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Worlds greatest photobomb