I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The Struggle
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.