I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
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ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.