[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
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People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Oh we’ve met.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?