*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Free him
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.