i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
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Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The first matador
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.