<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
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I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.