COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
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No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.