shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let鈥檚 do this.
Pretty sure it鈥檚 easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
boss : you鈥檙e gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I have a new favorite meme page
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don鈥檛 play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I believe this with my whole heart 馃拃馃
Having a child doesn鈥檛 make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
No need to rev your engine, I鈥檓 not impressed by your car unless it鈥檚 a food truck
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-sc茅ne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
When you鈥檙e on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That鈥檚 the moment you wish you had kids.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.