Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Netflix and awkward silence?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms