Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death