email: CC
my brain: corn cob
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit