I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
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90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.