Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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called in thicc to work this morning
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.