“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine