I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
selfie game
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
B
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.