Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.