Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that