my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
You Might Also Like
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?