Got him!
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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit