Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u