waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
How did we not see this back then?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
I get distracted pretty eas
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
A friend sent me this.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute