Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
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My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Who wants to be my Valentine?