Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?