Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
This is why I hate group projects
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus