coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you