Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
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It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Smooooooth
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee