Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
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I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
*mops up wine with cat*
road rage
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.