Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.