Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.