*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]