There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
how much for the angry fruit?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Remember folks 😂
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
you stereotypes are all alike
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding