Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬