I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
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If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie