Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
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So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
shampoo implies shampee
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case