[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.