Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
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My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost