[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
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Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
🤭😂
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.