I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Bed should get ready for ME
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex