To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
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Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
socratic questions