People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
early stone age tool
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email